Naruto: Ichi Ni Punch
by Cole Pascal
Summary: A foolish prank brings marriage to an unsuspecting Naruto. And when he finds out he'll be forced to consummate his marriage by force, will he be able to rape someone so innocent?It's going to be funny, ignore how dire this sounds. ¤


Naruto walked through the sand village, occasionally holding his ribs. Though he was mostly healed, one night of sleep hadn't been enough this time. His whole left side was covered with a slowly fading bruise.

He continued watching for a ramen shop. His food and soldier pills had run out and Jiraiya had disappeared as soon as they walked into the village.

Stopping in a store, he emptied his pouch by almost half resupplying then saw a ramen shop only a few storefronts away. Tired, he sat down and ordered Miso ramen with roasted pork, pushing over enough money for three bowls.

He was almost finished with the first bowl, fishing for the last piece of meat with his chopsticks, when the proprietor set the second bowl in place and a person sat next to him, pulling the bowl towards him. Naruto's chopsticks were in the air, rocketing towards the person's hand when sand formed, knocking the chopsticks away and a voice said, "Hey, Naruto."

He looked up. "Gaara!"

"What're you doing here?"

"Restocking supplies and waiting for orders. The bird should be here soon."

Gaara pushed the bowl back over and gestured for the proprietor to bring him tea and the same kind of ramen.

Naruto's tiredness fell away as he began telling his friend about their latest mission.

He finished the third bowl almost an hour later and said, "I bet it's been really boring for you, huh huh? Stuck here, being in charge? Not able to be out fighting?" He didn't realize the same thing would be expected of him as his village's leader at that moment.

Gaara laughed. "Somewhat. I've got to get back to work. It was good seeing you."

Naruto watched him walk off, then stretched. The bruise was almost completely gone and the pain was less than what he normally woke up with since he slept at bad angles.

He pulled his pack over his shoulder and walked through the village, quite sure Jiraiya was trying to peek in the baths somewhere. The Shinobi that recognized him, a surprisingly large amount, nodded or said hello as he passed by, looking for an inn.

Inside one, as he waited for the innkeeper to appear, Naruto began juggling five of his kunai. He was about to add a sixth when the innkeeper said hello from behind, startling him and making him fumble the daggers. They landed in a circle around the two. The innkeeper's face went pale and he fainted away. Naruto winced and began putting his daggers away, then opened a vial of smelling salts under the man's nose.

When he awoke, Naruto paid for two rooms, then tossed a dagger outside, a small piece of his master's robe attached to it so the old man could track it. It landed in the exact center of the sign above the doorway.

* * *

Team #8 pulled on the chains of their prisoners, slowly approaching the gates of the Hidden Sand village. The prisoners were exiled ninja, captured by the team less than two days before. Instead of killing and stealing their secrets as they should have another village, the bond between the two villages had strengthened enough that the team had been ordered to return them alive if possible, dead if necessary. 

As they passed off the prisoners to Hunter-nin, one of the Hidden Sand shinobi said, "Your comrade, Uzumaki Naruto is here, at the Forgotten Stone house. He's waiting on orders." The Hunter-nins knew everything of even little importance.

Team #8 and their commander turned to Hyuga Hinata whose face had turned bright pink. The last time she had seen Naruto, he had kissed her on the cheek in thanks for the medicine she had given him. She had fainted dead away.

As they walked, Shino and Kiba whispered, making plans if they didn't have to leave.

Kiba dropped back and whispered, "Kurenai-sensei, do you think we might spend the night here? To have a reunion with Naruto-kun?"

She saw the calculating smirk in his eyes growing but nodded, warily. "I think that could be alright."

Kiba went back forward and the two began plotting again.

* * *

Naruto clapped his hands together, then began rubbing them together as he watched the cook prepare his meal in front of him. When it was ready, he picked up his chopsticks and began eating, slurping appreciatively as the owner's fat wife looked on, smiling. She enjoyed seeing people enjoy their meals. 

He was sipping at his drink when someone slapped his back and people sat down on either side of them.

"Hey, Naruto-kun," Kiba said, motioning for the same drink as Naruto had for all three.

"Hey, hey. Kiba-kun, Shino-san, Hinata-chan, what are you all doing here?"

"Just finished delivering some prisoners. We teamed up with our old team leader. She's getting rooms at the hotel. What're you up to?"

"Just finished a mission. Waiting on orders."

"What'd you do?" Shino asked.

Naruto shrugged in a curious manner and they nodded. It signified he couldn't speak of it as Hinata watched him with avid eyes.

When they were all finished, Shino and Kiba dragged Naruto and Hinata back to the inn. Inside Naruto's room, they found a large supply of sake and some other alcohols.

"W-what're those for?" Hinata asked.

"To celebrate," Kiba said as his Akamaru settled in the corner, yawning.

Kiba and Shino began to slowly ply the two with liquor.

Late that evening, after having the two drink for almost three hours straight, the moment had come. Shino and Kiba carried them to the bed and Akamaru shifted to his human form and began undressing them as the two ninja began strewing the bottles and the removed clothes to make it look like something had happened.

Kiba artfully hung Naruto's shorts from a lamp while Shino commented on Hinata's panties as he hung them on the hanging light. "I never thought she was a thong kind of girl."

Kiba looked at them and grinned, then poured sugar water with corn starch on the bed, slightly under Naruto, then put the boy's arm over Hinata's shoulder, debating capping it with Naruto getting a handful of breast, then decided it was perfect as is.

A handful of condoms with the same fluid in them were scattered around beside the bed quickly.

They made their way out, turning off the lights. Outside, they burst into laughter and headed to their room.

* * *

Hinata opened her eyes and winced. Her eyelids were too loud. She felt a weight on her and carefully rolled over. Her hangover didn't stop the scream that filled her mouth. Naruto was next to her naked. 

Naruto jumped up, then screamed himself for a wholly different reason. His head had just imploded on him. Then he saw Hinata trying to cover her nude body and his face went pale as his nose began to spontaneously bleed.

Kurenai rushed into the room, followed by Shino and Kiba who were almost successfully hiding their amusement behind concerned looks.

Jiraiya took that moment to appear in the window of the room. His eyes traced back and forth between his nude apprentice and the nude girl he knew was in love with him, then he turned and instantly left the room. Whatever had happened was not something he wanted to get involved in.

"Uh, what's going on here?" Kurenai asked.

Hinata wrapped the blanket around herself then saw the condoms. She screamed again.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I don't know how that typo happened. But I wrote this off the top of my head and only checked up on who led team #8, not who was in it. I haven't read/seen any of Naruto(aside from some fanart of Hinata, Ino, and Sakura) since the filler began. So it's Shino now.

And giving me shit about one typo when your grammar and punctuation makes my eyes bleed is the sign of the largest git I've ever had the displeasure to view the typing of.


End file.
